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| The past month and a half has been a whirlwind of quite a bit. I'm not all together sure where the month of February went, much less the first half of March. I know that a lot has happened throughout the month and a half that vaguely feels like a week. From camping to a heavy exchange of a job description.
After a deteriorating relationship with my previous boss at Bella and several other events I decided to fire myself. I like that term better than quitting. I quit without a job lined up, it wasn't fair for me to remain employed there. It did end up being the perfect time in leaving since almost 4 days later I started my next job; US Bank Teller.
The job is one of the most interesting I've had in a while. I work with all females, one pregnant others living with the boyfriends, one getting married and two that are. It's interesting getting to know women at this level, I see a side I've never seen even though many of my friends are gals. Thus learning quite a bit. The job also has something I missed horribly: regular level schedule (9-5) and WEEKENDS OFF!! It also comes with the ability to grow up the corporate latter, big-boy benefits and its only .8 miles away from home. I can walk to work on the beach in 20 minutes (don't kill me).
I've got to get going, I'll expound on more later. This gives at least a picture of whats going on. There is more in the way of what I've learned and how I've been taught this. But the day beckons so I'll follow.
Matt
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This quite possibly is the best sunset I've seen in two years, the only I've seen in months. My student year at Ecola was riddled with sunsets quite like this, I may have to dig them up and out.
God's been showing me a lot lately, though this time it hasn't been as much of a painful process. It's been a time filled with a lot of realizations of the past few months, things I've missed or hadn't fully realized. Things such as how much God has blessed me beyond my means, taught me so much, and allowed much to happen and will continue to do so. It's been a time of repentence, reconcilation, and processing through the thought of being patience through everything, holding fast to the joy and peace that Jesus brings.
I've got it good, I have no reason to complain. Even through the harder times, they exsist to mature and learn to trust God all the more. I need to focus on Jesus who brings the joy and strength and not allow the emotion to control everything, especially to the point to whineing. We must praise God for all, for suffering is a blessing a long with everything else.
There's more, but for a later time. I still must process it. It's also midnight and I have to be up in 6 hours.
matt
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That would be me on God's thumb. It really puts one in perspective of who we are. Imagine that Sun being the Son. Someday.... someday....
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| Let me paint a picture.
There is a heard of any kind of barn animal your choice. Your a distent investor/farmer in these animals and you place these animals in a field in the middle of nowhere that even yourself have never seen. You let them roam freely, hoping for the best, allowing them to explore their new found territory they'll call home.
It isn't long before they start to wander however. And when I say wander, it isn't just in one direction, but many. You start to get angry calls from neighboring farmers reporting them on their land and that they're even hurting one another and they suggest you put up some fences, or some kind of boundary.
The most difficult thing about that is that you've never experienced this territory your animal calls home. You don't know how much territory there is, what kind of terrain that it is, or really if what there is to offer is something they really should be on. But this fence must go up, otherwise things will continue to get ugly. But how will this go up without knowing where to put it? You have no experience, no knowledge of anything in the area.
Now replace the animals with my 'thoughts', the investor being myself. I'm one prone to worry, fear and bringing myself down, and my thoughts stray everywhere; animals hurting themselves. By bringing myself down, I neglect those around me, I wander into their 'farm' and spew my crap to anyone who will listen. How selfish. I do realize to an extent that I'm one to process verbally, but even within this I must keep an attitude that I haven't, is it glorifying to God? Even the suffering is something that He will ultimately use for His glory, why should I whine?
I also realize that I have not experienced everything that is happening, so mapping out that fence will be difficult until I visit it. To experience in a positive and/or negative way. I can get advice from those who have been there, that have experienced all this to put temporary posts up, but until I experience it, and go through it with Jesus, then the fence will become more sound. The advice that I've received has been a great help and guide and has saved me from hurting others as well as grief for myself. This 'fence' will be a life long project, adding and moving areas as God continues to edit and build up my life to be more like His Son.
That brings me into trust. Everything for the Five months that I've been struggling with has a central theme: a lack of trust in God. I know, believe, and have faith that He exists, provides and comes true on His word. I have no reason not to trust Him with my life, my problems, my future, friends, the present, anything for that matter. He's met and answered all kinds of prayers, supplied beyond my needs, blessed me with everything, He's proven Himself time after time but yet I still clutch on to these things.
I realize that we want to have a part in some things, to carry some of the burden. Ultimately I can't, I don't know what is going on in the big picture. Even if I knew what was going on, the stress I have with the little I do sickens me so what makes me think I would want more? I wonder if some of my issue isn't necessarily trusting, but knowing how to let go? It seems easy enough. Then I think that most of what I've been grappling over are things that I've never dealt much with, or has been a while. But I know that some of this are reminders; reteaching or sorts. For the reteaching, I become frustrated with myself, which I shouldn't for it brings me down. Which it shouldn't, I should get right back up like a man and continue to fight this battle relying on Christ.
Psalm 37:23-24:
The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.
Vulnerability is still heavy on my mind. Vulnerability to even the level of investment to those I know and even making conversation to those I don't. I have a fear of the future of these relationships, investing and letting go every year of 95% of all of them. Thats the past 4 years, a constant shift of relationships, I'm ready for stable longer lasting ones. But of the consistency of the last few years I fear the opening process because I think they're going to leave. I see something, even a hint, come along that could be a interruptor, a romantic relationship, a strong desire to leave the area, anything really and I fear the change and want to shy away. But I know not the future nor what God has for them or myself. I do however know that God has placed them in my life here and now, to know and invest in. I have to take joy in whatever happens, the good, bad, and change that happens that God has His glory in mind.
I just need to look to, rely, and make Jesus in and throughout my life. Worrying accomplishes nothing but bring us further away from trusting the one we must. If it were as easy as it does typing it out.
Matt
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| sanc·ti·fy /ˈsæŋk təˌfaɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sangk-tuh-fahy] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –verb (used with object), -fied, -fy·ing. | 1. | to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate. |
| 2. | to purify or free from sin: Sanctify your hearts. |
| 3. | to impart religious sanction to; render legitimate or binding: to sanctify a vow. |
| 4. | to entitle to reverence or respect. |
| 5. | to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing. |
There
seems to be constant struggle these days. A continuious battle
combating in my head, one after another. First: future, which isn't
fully won. Secondly: contentment, again, not fully won. Now the third
regeme has arrived in full force: vulnerablity.
First, the new vulnerablity battle in my mind has been something heavy. It
hinges on fear. Fear of a loss of a lost friendship, or one that has
been dramaticly changed. That all the time and energy that has been
poured into getting to know this person seemly has been lost or never
again the same. The part that I particularly dislike is the fact that
I can't allow this to inhibit getting to know those God has placed in
my life. For if I allow these fears to direct my life and not take
steps in faith how will I do that when God calls me somewhere I'm
fearful of? Also, if I grant fear control, I probably won't ever have
the deep meaningful relationships that I deeply desire. I wish these
realizations made the choice to put fear beside easier, but it doesn't.
Second, seems
interesting to me that every one centralizes around a common theme;
trust. Trusting God knows best, and some in trusting others, both go
different directions and requires faith. I'm finding it's hard to
release the things I clutch so dearly, even to the very one I know,
deep down, has the best for me. I try to bear it all myself, or
attempt to give the 'keys' to God, only to find them in my pocket only
a few minutes later. After all these times of attempting to bear all
these things alone, one would think I'd be so willing, eager really, to
relenquish them over. Alas it's my humanity that wants to assist,
contribute, or even control what is going on. But I can't.
Last Sunday my roommates and I went to Mars Hill Church
in Seattle. Whenever I have a Sunday off it is a tradition of mine to
go up and attend the 5 o'clock service. It's a retreat from this
coastal community that I call home to enduldge in culture food, to be
reunited with friends, and participate a very Jesus-centered service. This
particular Sunday was not only when they switched to ESV (made me very
happy) but also to the beginning of a new series, Redeeming Ruth. Mark
went verse by verse in the first chapter and expounded quite a bit. It
was something I've been needing to hear, and is something that keeps me
going as I continue to ask God to sanctify me. That a sanctified
affliction, whatever it may be, God will use it to sanctify us, to make
us more like Jesus, to love and obey Him more readily.
I am
continuiously reminded that, even though I may feel these afflictions
may be huge, though a necissary series of events, are nothing in
comparison to many. There are many people both younger and older than
I whom are going through hell here on earth, and some with better
attitudes than me. Who am I to complain, whine and be bitter, like Naomi? Instead
of these actions I should be joyful, praising God and praying for those
around me and those who are going through harder times than I. For all
this whineing to God and others, I must repent of and be less me
focused and be more others and God focused.
Thats the sermon that I attended, the very service in fact. I suggest.
Sorry for the scatteredness of it all.
Until next time.
Matt
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